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Tuesday, July 2, 2013

My proposal for a bill banning male masturbation in Texas

 

I think we can all agree that life is sacred, and we must do everything we can to ensure that potential life is protected.

The anti-choice bill in Texas currently being debated is a great start, but we need to go right to the source: the horrible murder of sperm that occurs during male masturbation.

Some activists would have you believe these are just clumps of cells, but anyone who looks at semen under a microscope can tell you that individual sperm demonstrate purposeful movements.

Did you know that we have no actual study that proves sperm can't feel pain when unnecessarily ejaculated? It's true! For all we know, these are living organisms that endure excruciating nerve stimulation when exposed outside of the male reproductive system.

There are those who would argue that we are regulating men's bodies and taking away their freedom to make their own healthcare choices, but as our conservative brethren have pointed out in many a debate on rape culture, men simply can't control their sexual urges on their own as per the landmark legal reasoning of "boys will be boys." Therefore, they need help and incentives.

To that end, I am proposing a bill in the Texas Legislature that does the following:

1. Ejaculation of semen outside of an active effort to procreate is banned. Some would make the case that we should allow exemptions for cases of rape, incest, or if the man's life is in danger, but this is all nonsense and doesn't correspond with our strong, Texas values. A life is a life. Just consider if our great governor Rick Perry had been ejaculated by his father during a self-pleasuring act.

In the event Section 1 isn't passed, we should include further restrictions that make it incredibly difficult for men to masturbate without facing criminal prosecution:

2. Men who masturbate must apply for a state permit, pay a $500 fee for that permit, undergo a transanal sonogram to view the internal route sperm must take to leave the male body, be counseled by a physician on the benefits of a celibate lifestyle, and view a two-hour video on the modern genocide that is male masturbation.

3. Men who obtain masturbation permits are only permitted to do so in designated areas for such activities, specifically masturbation centers that receive licensing by the state.

4. The state will be limited to a total of six masturbation centers in order to better monitor this activity, all of which will be placed at least 200 miles outside towns with populations greater than 20,000 residents. We must think of the children who could see a sign for one of these centers.

5. Male members of the Texas Legislature are examples to all men everywhere and thus, should submit to daily external and internal swab samples when the Legislature is in session that will be analyzed for evidence that masturbation has occurred.

6. In order to evaluate charges that unsanctioned masturbation has occurred by a male member of the Texas Legislature, a Committee to Understand Male Masturbation (CUMM) will be formed to determine if reported transgressions should result in the impeachment of investigated members.

7. To avoid bias in these investigations, CUMM will be composed entirely of women in the Texas Legislature. All testimonies given on this subject will be limited to the approval of the committee.

8. The Chairwoman of CUMM could hold a possible bias if she is heterosexual, and therefore, it is advised that she be a lesbian to avoid impropriety in oversight of this committee.

We love men and believe they are the bedrock of the Texas family. We are only choosing to do what's best for them and avoid a breakdown in the societal order of this state.

26 comments:

  1. Two very different things. A fetus can feel pain and can in some cases of abortion survive without the mother. Sperm is barley anything reminiscent of human. If feminists support this just to show men what its like to have rights taken away, they are hypocrites, anti-men, and undermine the entire advancement of women in the U.S. This would affect all men, some of whom might be feminists. And might I remind you that there are literally millions, maybe even going up past the 1 billion mark, who are very conservative and think abortion should be banned completely.

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    1. Well...satire goes right over your head doesn't it?

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    2. Babydoll, this proposal is meant to prove how absurd the anti-abortion bill is/was. It is not meant to pass, nor would anything like it. That is the point, afterall. No bill which restricts the reproductive rights of men (at least non-bisexual/transgender or otherwise minority/"deviant" men) would be passed, because we live in a society in which women and all other non-heterosexual white males are marginalized for their biology, preference, and appearance.
      Also, you're wrong about sperm.THEY HAVE SO MANY FEELS. Well, you're right in that sperm isn't reminiscent of human, but humans are unavoidably reminiscent of sperm. Actually, that raises a good question. Which came first, the human or the sperm?

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    3. One doctor testifying in the hearing said, "What's next? An end to vaginal delivery?" Babies experience pain when they're born, too.

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    4. I believe that this Jimmy Rustles fellow is a troll? The name gives it away, it's a 4chan thing.

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  2. This is one of the poorest arguments for a position I agree with I've seen in quite a while.

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    1. Really? What is wrong with the argumentation (granting that there is an argument in there rather than this just being a proposal for action)?

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  3. I imagine a wet dream is only aggravated manslaughter.....is this on the level? I would appreciate not being jerked around......lol.

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    1. I think it would have to be involuntary manslaughter.

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  4. I do hope this is not satire.

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  5. Lots and lots of men are moving the hell out of Texas ......... what a fuked up state :)

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  6. ABSOLUTELY BRILLIANT!!!! You go guy, but I'm gonna need a couple of months to learn how to properly stick a probe up their ass's because I WANT THAT JOB!!!!

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  7. how can you be this stupid and only have one head?!

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  8. I propose the following amendment:

    Whereas a successful fertilization requires (usually) just one sperm cell, and
    Whereas the remaining millions of spermatozoa are grievously, unnecessarily murdered in the process of procreative copulation,
    We hereby order that after copulation, the remaining semen be collected and returned to its source.

    The method of collection is not specified. Maybe some kind of scoop and/or sponge? The method of returning the sperm is not specified either. Perhaps it could be pumped back into the urethra? Or maybe it should be pumped into the anus? Really, no one but Jesus knows where these miraculous little cells originate, but we can try our best.

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  9. "Just consider if our great governor Rick Perry had been ejaculated by his father during a self-pleasuring act."

    At least his father could have been proud of him.

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  10. But then what will my husband do with all his free time?

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  11. i love the comment, "if feminists support this... they are hypocrites." which would imply if republicans didn't support this they would be hypocrites, precisely the point.

    jimmy rustles.... idiot republican or leftist satirical double-cross master

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  12. I am 60 years old, and I absolutely love this! I could rant for days about how and why it is wrong to pass this bill in Texas, but this shows just how ridiculous it really is. The sad truth is that these idiots, religious zealots (who forgot to read their history books about the reason we separated from the British), greedy professional politicians are going to get their way! At least this makes me laugh, instead of crying for the lack of healthcare in our not-so-great state of Texas.

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  13. Right on brother, and just so we are being good and equal here, let no egg go to waste. No more menstruation for you sisters either. Only good ole' procreative sex day in and day out.
    Too bad lesbos and homos, maybe you can get over your heterophobia now; no more killing, only sweet loving.

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  14. http://cdn.meme.li/instances/300x300/39491833.jpg

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