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Thursday, April 4, 2013

5 ways women can avoid being raped...

With the recent outcry over Steubenville, women are looking for ways to avoid being raped. I've taken the time out of my busy schedule to provide my expertise as a non-woman with non-woman experiences. Please consider my uninformed opinion:

1. Never leave home.

According to the Department of Justice, did you know only 40% of rapes and sexual assaults in the United States occur in the home? That would mean 60% occur outside the home. Wait, stay with me, women... I know the logic is hard to follow. That means between inside and outside the house, your best chance to not be raped is inside. And the safest place in the home is the kitchen. Making sandwiches. True story.

2. Avoid men.

Also according to the DOJ, more than 99% of rapes are committed by men. It's true. Women can be rapists, of course, but the vast majority are men. So... avoid men. Get a job with only women in the workplace. Live in a city where there are only women. Become a lesbian, because, you know, homosexuality is totally a choice.

3. Wear extra layers.

What is the difference between cold weather and rapists? Not a damn thing. You should bundle up and obscure your figure with extra layers of clothing. Forget skirts and dresses and stilettos. If you wear those, well, clearly, you're just asking to be raped, and then, it's pretty much your fault. Men are animals incapable of rational thought, after all. At least, that's what I've been taught. My hormones are to blame, not me.

4. Don't drink anything.

If you're drink any sort of alcohol, it's automatically your fault. Women aren't allowed to drink and trust the men around them not to take advantage. You should know. Get a clue. In fact, don't drink anything. Anywhere. At all. If you must be hydrated, then have your doctor follow you around and switch out bags of intravenous water or whatever the hell they use.

5. Realize rapists are good people.

As CNN recently let us know, rapists really are good people when they're, you know, not raping. I realize this point has nothing to do with preventing rape, but it's important you understand that by not working to prevent yourself from being raped, you're potentially ruining the life of a good man. Why would you do that? Why do you hate men?

I hope all this helps. Stay safe or something. Just don't put men at a disadvantage.

My hope is that someone will compile this into a Facebook meme and spread it around to make sure we know to blame victims, not rapists. Sigh... but that remains my dream.

Your Friend,

Charles Clymer


  1. Maybe remaining ducked and covered in the door frame of your home, in eternal limbo between home and out, is the soundest tactic.

    Good post!

  2. I applaude you.

    May I add: Staying in definitively sounds like the road to choose. Not only you are 20% less likely to be raped indoors, but chances are you'll be raped by someone you know, rather than by a stranger. Now, that's what I call advantageous.

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  3. This is one of the crimes that is so hard to stop. For me I think women should only go to places with crowded people and avoid wearing daring clothes! And they should also practice self defense in case for emergency they can use it for themselves. attorney medford oregon

  4. LMBO @ #1!!! The mere mentioning of gender roles, completely disgusts me. I'm extremely pleased to have stumbled on this blog. After feeling "out of place" and cautious about what it means to be a "femenist," I'm more at peace with what I truly believe and the ideal role that I choose not to follow. <3


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