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Saturday, February 9, 2013

"Dude, women are like locks..." Dude, no. You're an idiot.

Forget everything you learned in your college humanities courses. Bumper stickers are the greatest philosophical invention of the last century and among the greatest of all-time.

Why? They allow stupid people to feel smart without doing any work beyond reading and remembering a seemingly-clever phrase. They galvanize idiots who can't be bothered to do the actual research a complex issue would require.

Remember that episode of the "The West Wing" when President Bartlett is debating Gov. Ritchie? Gov. Ritchie answers a question with a very typical, conservative, bullshit slogan.

President's Bartlett's response?

"There it is... A ten-word answer. Tell me this: what are the next ten words after that? What about the next ten words? If you give me those, I'll drop out of the race, right now." (paraphrased)

Ritchie is unable to answer and looks like an idiot because his bluff was called by someone who doesn't rely on bumper stickers for their philosophical views.

Don't get me wrong: slogans can be good. They can be a rallying cry, a cheer for one's social or political principles.

But they can also go wrong.

One such slogan/saying/dumbass-ism is "If a key opens up a lot of locks, then it's a master key. If a lock is opened by lots of keys, then it's a shitty lock."

In this analogy, the key is meant to represent the penis while the lock represents the vagina.

This, of course, is an idiot's explanation of why men can sleep around but women can't. It's a misogynist's way of allowing men to do just about whatever they want, sexually, but puts women into an impossible situation: If they sleep around, they're a slut. If they don't have sex, they're a frigid bitch.


I've heard several male friends of mine say this, independently of each other, in the past year, and it never fails to make me groan on the inside and call them out on their sexism.

Accordingly, I've come up with some analogies that are about as logical as this one when applied to sex.

"An individual can only enter one stadium at a time, but a stadium that can only hold one individual is useless."

"A Q-Tip can usually clean only one ear in its lifetime use, but an ear that can't be cleaned by many Q-Tips should probably be checked out by a doctor."

"I can only shove my foot up one sexist man's ass at a time, but with effort, multiple foots can be shoved up the same sexist ass."

And of course, here's my favorite that a friend found...

"If a sharpener sharpens many pencils, it's amazing. But, a pencil that gets sharpened by many sharpeners ends up being useless."

 Ha, right? So funny. I'm going to put these on bumper stickers and plaster them on the front door of every frat house in America.

Then, maybe, all these sexist assholes will finally avoid judging women for having sex that isn't with them.


  1. I'm afraid you have no idea what the "lock" analogy is referring too, and that is power, and that men's sexual exploits are not comparable to womans sexual exploits in todays western society. Today in society, men do the bulk of the work in trying to bed women, as it is women who have all the power to say yes or no in the vast majority of situations. A man who overcomes this disadvantage is then regarded higher compared to a women who squanders her advantage (and thus devaluing the power of others).

    A much better comparison would be to say a real estate businessman, who rather than sticking with a proven business model of a low number of trusted cliental, began leasing to anyone who wanted, regardless of standards. This forces others to follow suit lest they lose their clients to the better deals. While a short term boon, this causes a great bust in the long run when the low quality clients start messing things up. And we have no problem calling these businessmen idiots, wallstreet, sluts.

    Indeed, removing the slut/player disparity does not remove a double standard, it CREATES one.

    It would be best if you addressed the actual point. There are plenty of holes in this argument, I don't see why you had to make up something to argue against.

    1. You know you are a feminist when other men mansplain to you.
      Keep up the good work, Charles! ;)

      Why don't all these sex-witholding bitches just surrender their vaginas (aka the measure of their personal worth) to you?!? I can't understand, you're such a great guy, 848f82b2... Bluh that's way too long to say, I'm gonna call you "NiceFedoraGuy" instead, ok?

    2. I see you've provided a serial number for your identity. Good, now we can return you to the manufacturer for a model that doesn't malfunction.

    3. Thanks for reinforcing what I already knew, that slut shaming is rooted in rape culture. Female agency, female resistance is a "disadvantage" something to "overcome" It's no fun if she actually wants it. It's no fun if she sees sex as a mutually pleasurable experience to share not some gift to be given. Dammit then you actually have to perform.

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