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Friday, February 8, 2013

A Very Complex Guide to Not Sexually Assaulting or Creeping Out Women

In the wake of the controversial Audi Super Bowl commercial, which featured a high school boy appearing to forcibly kiss a young woman and be rewarded for it, some men are complaining that there seems to be no way in which a man can approach a woman or make the first move without coming across as creepy.

Thus, I have made a startlingly complicated guide to meeting women, asking them out, and making the first move.

My qualifications: I have gone out with many women, had several relationships, and have incredibly (sarcasm) never offended or scared a woman in doing so while still enjoying female companionship. Crazy, I know.

Does it suck that men are expected to make the first move and have the responsibility of "creepiness" placed on them? Sure, but guys, it's really not that complicated. Women *want* to be asked out, they want romance and love and great sex just as much as you do, but they also want to be treated like human beings and have their space respected.

Yes, there are ALWAYS going to be exceptions to the following rules, and I'm sure there are women out there who are bat-shit insane, regardless. Who cares? That's their hangup. As long as you follow this guide, you should be fine. I promise.

Let's begin...

If the woman *knows* you...

Feel free to respectfully approach her in any environment, unless it's a dark alley, in which case you should probably stand away a bit and call her name. Would you want the shit scared out of you? No? Then don't sneak up on her.

Feel free to approach UNLESS she looks busy. Regardless if she's pouring over work, has headphones in, is running on the treadmill, etc., if she is actively engaged in something, let her be. How do I know this? Because when I'm busy, I don't want to be bothered, even if it is a pretty woman looking to flirt.

If the woman doesn't know you...

Approach her only in socially-fun environments: bars, clubs, festivals, anywhere there is an expectation of human interaction with strangers.

If you must approach her outside these environments, do so respectfully and in a way that doesn't make her think you're about to commit a crime. Remember: 1 in 5 women are raped and sexually-assaulted in their lifetime. Would you be a bit suspicious of a man you don't know approaching you in a sparsely-populated, dark area? So would I. Respect that dynamic.

And again, if she looks busy, just don't approach. You aren't the first man to notice her that day and you won't be the last. At that point, she's probably a bit annoyed that she's trying to get a task done (or just needs alone time), and she keeps getting interrupted.

How to get her number/ask her out/flirt...

If you have followed the guidelines to this point, you are now talking to a woman you find attractive.

Here's my special secret for getting a woman's number: I treat her like a human being.

Seriously. I introduce myself, have small talk, maybe compliment (keep it respectful), and I gauge the situation. That's it.

No gimmicks, negging, pick-up lines, or any other bullshit. 

Will that work for some men on some women? Sure it will, but if you want something that works far, far more, just present yourself as a mature man interested in getting to know her better. I have done this. Many times. It works.

How to kiss her...

Guys, it's so very simple: you must know her, you must be in an appropriate situation (on a date or in a very-sociable spot such as a bar or club or party or her place or yours), and you must have her consent, either verbally or non-verbally.

If you think the mood is right, face her, and slowly lean-in, giving her time to decide. Go slow. She's not an idiot; she'll know you're going for the kiss if it takes you a good five seconds to lean into her. If she wants to kiss, she'll go for it. If she doesn't, she'll pull away or stop you. Respect her limits, and apologize for reading the mood wrong. 99.9 percent of the time, you'll either kiss her or come across as mature for respecting her limits. That one woman in a thousand who freaks out is ridiculous, and you shouldn't let her worry you.

If you're not sure of the mood, it is never wrong to ask. Never. I've only done this a few times, but it always worked out. Just be suave and funny about it: "Would it be presumptuous to kiss you?" or whatever way you want to say it.

Rules of thumb...

- No cat-calling, whistling, shouts, suggestive comments, etc. That is sexual harassment, and it is always wrong.

- No pinching, grabbing, touching, etc. That is sexual assault, and you could go to jail for it (which you deserve). Innocent touching is fine between friends. Suggestive touching is fine with women you're dating if you've progressed to that point. If you haven't kissed, yet, chances are you're completely in the wrong by doing this.

- Again: respect her privacy and space. If she looks busy, stay the hell away. Just because she's alone with her laptop in a cafe or restaurant does not mean she wants to be hit on. She's enjoying her personal time.

- The gym can be tricky. My personal policy is that I go to the gym to workout, and that's it. I don't want a woman coming up to me to flirt if I'm gross and sweaty and smell, and I'm sure most women don't want that, either. If you must flirt in the gym, do it in a class (spinning is fine, yoga is not), or catch her as she's leaving the gym.

- Finally, I have no doubt you have a story of your grandparents or some friend or your math teacher's plumber's second cousin who completely went against these rules and is in a very healthy relationship. Good for them, but that's absolutely not the norm. Just stick to this easy guide, and you'll be fine.

BOTTOM LINE: It's likely that you are a good human being. You are not an animal. Act like it by respecting women in your interactions with them.

And yes, MRAs, I know women rape and sexually assault men and some would do well to follow this guide. There, I included you. Happy?


  1. Thanks Charles very informative and respectful. Just a quick aside though that woman who freaks out when you try to kiss her may have a history of sexual assault and it's a bit crass to dismiss her so flippantly. Otherwise good job.

    1. That's a really good point I didn't consider. I do apologize for not putting that in there.

  2. Why not just say in order to not creep out a woman stay away from them. ;)

    1. Why, if, after reading simple guidelines that basically boil down to treating women as human beings and respecting them, all you can conclude is you couldn't possibly manage to do that and even interact with women without creeping them.... then yes, in your case, it might be a great idea.

  3. And yes, MRAs, I know women rape and sexually assault men and some would do well to follow this guide. There, I included you. Happy?

    Given the poor understanding of healthy boundaries demonstrated by so many MRAs and a stubborn insistence on violating others' boundaries, I suspect you included many of them without the disclaimer.


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